Separating Love from Jealousy


Jealousy is one of the most prevalent areas of psychological ignorance about our own self, about others and more particularly, about a relationship. People think they know what love is but they do not know. This misunderstanding about love creates jealousy. By love, people mean a certain kind of monopoly, some possessiveness; without understanding a simple fact of life that the moment one possesses a living being he or she had killed the other.
Life cannot be possessed. We cannot hold it in our fist, if we want to have it, we will have to keep our hands open.
But we have been on a wrong path for centuries; it has become so much ingrained in us that we cannot separate love from jealousy. They have become almost one energy. Osho explains, "Jealousy is not a primary thing. It is a secondary part of sex. Whenever one feels sexually attracted and related to somebody, jealousy enters because he or she is not in love. If one is in love, jealousy never enters. Whenever one is sexually related he or she is afraid, because sex is really not a relationship, it is an exploitation. Always afraid that this woman may go to somebody else, this man may move to somebody else. There is no relationship really, it is just mutual exploitation. This fear becomes jealousy and then the chain of emotional turbulence starts. A jealous person will not allow things, will guard; make every security arrangement so this man cannot look at another woman or this woman cannot look at other man. Even looking will become a danger signal. The jealous person will close all the paths, all the doors.
Out of these arises the great problem and that is when all the doors are closed, the man becomes dead, the woman becomes dead, a prisoner, a slave, and one cannot love a dead thing. A person cannot love another person who is not free because love is beautiful only when it is given freely, when it is not taken, demanded or forced."
The more one makes security arrangements, the more one controls, the other person starts becoming a dead object because freedom is lost. A guarded, possessed, controlled person may be there for other reasons, but not for love, because how can one love a person who possesses him or her?
That's the reason why it is not a question of how to drop jealousy because one cannot until he or she drops sex. The question is how to transform sex into love and then jealousy disappears.
Osho says, "If you love a person, the very love is enough guarantee, the very love is enough security. If you love a person, you know he cannot go to anybody else. And if he goes, he goes; nothing can be done. What can you do? You can kill the person, but a dead person will not be of much use. When you love a person you trust that he cannot go to anybody. If he goes, there is no love and nothing can be done. Love brings this understanding. There is no jealousy. So if jealousy is there, know well there is no love. You are playing a game; you are hiding sex behind love. Love is just a painted word; the reality is sex."
Love cannot be jealous, it is always trusting, and if something happens that breaks a person's trust he or she has to accept it. Trust cannot be forced; jealousy tries to force it. Jealousy tries, makes one make every effort so that trust can be maintained, but trust is not something to be maintained. It is there, or it is not there, and nothing can be done about it. If it is there, one goes through it and if it is not there, it is better to separate.
But if one fights for it one is simply wasting time, wasting life. Life is very short and capacities are very delicate. They can be destroyed, and once damaged there is no possibility of repairing them.
Osho points out, "As far as love is concerned, so much is to be done for everyone and so little time is left to do it. Don't waste your energy in fighting, jealousy, conflict; move, and move in a friendly way. Search somewhere else for the person who exists who will love you. Don't get fixed with someone who is wrong, not for you. Don't be angry, there is no point in it, and don't try to force trust; nobody can force it, it never happens. You will miss the time, you will miss the energy, and you may only become aware when nothing can be done. Move. Either trust or move."
Love always trusts, or if it finds that the trust is not possible it simply moves in a friendly way; there is no conflict and fight. Sex creates jealousy; hence it is wise to find, discover love and not to make sex the basic thing because it is not.
India missed with arranged marriage; the West is missing with free love. India missed love because parents were too calculating and cunning. They would not allow falling in love: that is dangerous, nobody knows where it will lead. They were too clever, and through cleverness, India missed all possibility of love.
In the West they are too rebellious, too young; not clever, too childish. They have made sex a free thing, available everywhere: no need to go so deep to discover love, enjoy sex and be finished. Through sex, the West missed: through marriage, the East has missed. But if one is alert, he or she need not be Eastern or Western. Love is neither Eastern nor Western.
Osho says, "Go on discovering love within you. And if you love, sooner or later the person will happen to you, because a loving heart, sooner or later, comes to a loving heart - it always happens. You will find the right person. But if you are jealous you will not find, if you are simply for sex you will not find, if you live only for security you will not find. Love is a dangerous path and only those who have courage can travel it. And I say to you it is the same, just like meditation -- only for those who are courageous. And there are only two ways to reach the divine: either meditation or love. Find out which is your way, which can be your destiny.
For example, whenever a man falls in love with another woman something in him towards the first woman changes. They become strangers again, the bridge, the connection breaks. The first woman feels she has been crippled, enslaved and now she has been abandoned. Her whole life has become a life of agony. Out of this agony arises jealousy. The same applies to men.
Giving freedom is a joy, having freedom is a joy. Two persons living together in love should make it a point that their relationship is continuously growing, bringing more flowers every season, creating more joy. Just sitting together silently is enough....
Love is the ultimate law. We just have to discover its beauties, its treasures. If one partner starts moving on the right lines, the other follows sooner or later. Because they both are hungry for love; but they don't know how to approach it.
No university teaches that love is an art and we have to discover every treasure that is hidden in life and love is one of the greatest treasures in existence. But instead of becoming fellow travellers in search of love, beauty and truth, people are wasting their time in fighting, in jealousy.
Becoming a little alert and starting the change from one side not expecting it from the other side will bring a big transformation in a relationship. It will begin from the other side too. It costs nothing to smile or to love, and it costs nothing to share our happiness with somebody we love.
Naina Rajkumari (Ma Prem Naina) is associated with Osho World Foundation and travels widely facilitating workshops and seminars. Born in Jorhat, she was initiated as a Osho Sannyas in 2003 at Oshodham, New Delhi.