MIND OVER MATTER | 30 Jan, 2020

1. My 25-year old daughter is constantly putting herself down in relation to her physical features. She is good-looking but she feels she isn't. She also feels men don't like her because she is ugly. She thinks because of her looks she has not done well at work. This makes her upset at all times. She throws tantrums frequently and if she does not like anything she gets even more upset.

(Name witheld)

Ans: Your daughter appears to be having a negative view about herself. She has issues of low self-esteem. She seems to be evaluating her physical attributes only and not other aspects of her personality which actually make a person. We need to evaluate the reasons for her having such negative views about herself. Long term counseling would be very much beneficial in this situation. It will help her realize her thought pattern and identify negative self talk. Please consult for counseling at the earliest as these issues can be addressed and stress reduced.

1. Madam, I am from Dhubri district. I am the only son of my parents. I know they worked very hard in bringing me up and nurturing me. From my childhood my father was very strict. I am in my 20's now. I have the potentiality to take care of my own i.e. decide what to do what not to do. But father's strictness makes me frustrated and depressed as I was prevented from adult independence which each and everyone likes to enjoy. I was debarred from attending social occasions – be it my friends' birthdays or be it local functions. Now I am totally depressed. I want to be free. Please suggest something so that I get temporary relief.

(Name withheld)

Ans: I understand how you must be feeling and empathize with you. This is a situation you yourself will have to resolve. Try and have a frank discussion with your father with regard to your feelings. If you explain clearly how you feel your father may understand and remove few of your restrictions. We also have to understand that every parent has the best interest of their child. If that doesn't work, you could take the help of a family elder with whom your father has cordial relations. In the meantime it is also important to introspect and see if you have been really behaving and carrying out your activities in a matured manner.

In order to keep relaxed you could engage in deep breathing exercises, go for a daily walk for half hour or take up some sporting activity. This will help you stay calm and work off your negative feelings. Stay positive!

1. I am a student of the 9^th standard and am in love with a girl of the same class for over 8 years. Unfortunately, she left our school last year and I confessed everything to her. She replied that she can't have a relationship with me because once she also used to love someone but she was betrayed by him. She says I should move on with my life. But my problem is that I can't live without her and she is my first and last love. What should I do? (Name withheld)

Ans: It appears that you have been in love with this girl since first standard. Isn't that a bit too early in life to fall in love? Are you in love or in love with the idea of being in love? Think about it! If the girl is not interested in you, you can't force her to like you. That is never possible. Take your time, be friends with her for the time being. Think she needs more of a friend now then a boyfriend. As she says she has been let down before. Give time to your friendship with her for the time being and concentrate on your studies. If things are meant to happen they will happen. Just don't try to force things. In the meantime, please do not neglect your studies, you shall regret later.

(Ms. Gariasi Dutta is Psychological Counsellor with down town hospital, Guwahati. She can be contacted at 98640-55560 or dutta.gariasi@gmail.com)