Let’s talk about grief

 Often in the context of grief, we hear people saying things like, “Be strong” “It’s been a long time; you need to get over him now.” “Come on, it was just a pet, an animal.” “I know how you feel.” “She lived a long and good life; why are you crying over her death?” “He also lost a child, but look, he is doing much better.” We try to show them a silver lining in the cloud of grief. We often try to get people out of their grief or cheer them up.

It is said that we live in a grief-illiterate society. People might say these things with the best intentions, but they do more harm than good. They can inflict more hurt on an already painful situation. Hence, it is important that we know about grief.

Grief is an emotional response to a loss. The pain of grief stems from love. It is said that “grief is love that has nowhere to go”. It is what happens inside of us. What we do when we are grieving is ‘mourning’. And we cannot measure or judge the intensity of grief by what is happening on the outside, e.g., who is crying more. Also, grief isn’t necessarily related to loss by death but can be experienced in loss of any kind.

Let’s know about some types of grief.

Anticipatory grief: the grief that comes before a death or loss.

Disenfranchised grief: grief that is judged or minimised, e.g., a miscarriage or the loss of a pet.

Ambiguous: Grief that is hard to see, e.g., children moving out, loss of culture due to immigration

Inconclusive grief: when there is no body to grieve and there is still hope, e.g., a plane crash or a natural calamity where bodies can’t be found.

Complicated grief: When the distressing emotions of loss don’t improve over time and it becomes difficult to resume daily activities,

Traumatic grief occurs when trauma is associated with grief responses. Masked grief: grief that is expressed in terms of other emotions but is actually a response to grief. e.g., a person is always angry.

Cumulative grief: when a person experiences multiple losses during a short period of time or there is an accumulation of unattended grief.

Secondary loss: the other losses that accompany grief in addition to the primary loss. E.g., after the loss of the child, the parent also loses the activities in school.

Often, it is thought that grief has to follow a structure and a timeline. But in reality, it is otherwise. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, who devised the stages of grief, also mentioned that not every person needs to go through all the stages. Even if they do, they don’t need to do it in a given sequence. The experience of grief is very unique to each individual, and there is no specific timeline for the process. There is no right way to grieve. Every person might have their own way of dealing with the loss.

To be really present for a person in grief, we need to understand a few things.

 The needs of the grieving: As discussed by David Kessler, the needs of the grieving can be understood as: having our pain witnessed; expressing our feelings; releasing the burden of guilt; being free of old wounds; integrating the pain and the love; and finding meaning in life after loss.

 Listening to the person in grief and attending to their story without the intent of fixing them is important. They do not need to be fixed, as they are not broken. Grief is not pathological and hence doesn’t need to be treated. By listening, we can be there with them on their journey.

 Validating their experiences and emotions is important. Normalising the feelings that are experienced after a loss can be significantly helpful, as many people may be confused and ask, “Am I doing it (grieving) right?”. These doubts can be fuelled by advice like “You need to be strong and move on soon”. Hence, validation of feelings can be comforting for the person in grief.

 Refraining from giving unsolicited advice is something to keep in mind.

 Comparing one person’s grief with another’s is to be avoided completely. It is said that the experience and process of grief are as unique as fingerprints.

 Children are the forgotten mourners. David Kessler calls them ‘puddle jumpers, as they keep shifting from being okay to feeling grief intensely. They don’t process everything at once, as they aren’t aware of many things and are not ready. But we need to remember that they are both resilient and still need support. It is important to listen to and talk to them. Reassurance, validation, and allowing them to ask questions are important. And answering the questions in a way they can understand can be very helpful.

 Being open to conversations about the loved ones we lose is important. Rekindling beautiful memories can be a helpful way to connect with others. It is said that we heal in connection, not isolation.

 We should be careful not to practice toxic positivity or bright siding.

Working on grief is to move towards healing, and healing doesn’t mean forgetting our loved ones. We don’t need to forget or get over them; it’s a process to remember them with more love and honour than pain. It is a journey to find meaning—not in the loss but in life after the loss. Death or loss can mean the end of a person’s physical presence, but not the relationship we shared. A listening presence and expressing that we care are the elements with which we can be there for a person in grief.