Stages of Love-II

Dr. Rijusmita Sarma

(The writer is a counselling psychologist.

Can be reached at 8638716076)

 In the previous write-up of this series, we discussed the studies that had attempted to shed light on the phenomenon of love. Based on certain aspects, such as similarities between individuals, two individuals move ahead in making their relationship permanent, either through marriage or by other means. Hence, in this article, we shall focus on studies suggesting ideas about healthy and unhealthy relationships.

Lewis M. Terman studied the factors that contribute to marital happiness in the 1930s. He conducted a series of studies designed to analyse the relationship between similarity and attraction to understand the differences between happy and unhappy couples. The results suggested that a) irrespective of being happy or unhappy couples, people tended to marry someone similar to themselves, and b) the degree to which the couples were similar or dissimilar to each other was associated with the couple’s happiness.

Another possibility of similarity was suggested by social psychologists: the longer the couple lived together, the more similar they became. Hence, similarity could be a result of happiness rather than a cause.

Certain personality dispositions could also affect the quality of a relationship by influencing the feeling of commitment, interpersonal relationship skills, attachment styles, etc., which could affect the success of a relationship.

Attachment style can be understood as the way we bond with others. And it is said that the way in which a person bonds as a baby with their primary caregiver has an influence on the way the person bonds with others as an adult. The four attachment styles are: secure: in which they feel confident in their relationships, are open to mutual help and support, and retain independence while being in love with their partner; anxious-preoccupied: a fear of rejection results in a partner not wanting to be separated from their partner. The relationship is driven by an emotional drive rather than love and trust; dismissive-avoidant: emotionally distant; the adult appears to be self-focused and independent, but the idea of independence is an illusion; fearful-avoidant: they mostly swing between extremes by looking for comfort from their partner and are afraid of getting close for fear of being hurt.

People with secure attachment styles have the most stable relationships. And people with less secure attachment styles need to work harder for fulfilling relationships.

The concept of positive illusions suggests that married couples start their relationships with positive ideas about their chosen ones, which might be inflated to a certain extent. They may view their partners as much closer to perfect. Initially, it was suggested that these positive illusions might lead to disappointment and disaster when disillusioned. But recent studies suggest the exact opposite. Couples who begin their marriages with idealised views of each other usually develop more satisfying and happier relationships than others who do not. It might be because couples might not only start with but also move ahead in a relationship by maintaining these favourable illusions.

It is suggested that external factors might also influence the quality of a relationship. At times, certain external factors might pull couples apart, as it might reduce their willingness to invest time and energy in a relationship. However, in other instances, couples might become more committed. It is also known as the ‘Romeo-Juliet effect’ in which couples facing eternal interference or rejection might be even more tightly bonded.

Some ways that can be considered for healthy marital relationships are:

n If the number of benefits in a relationship is greater than the number of costs, the higher the quality of the relationship. The costs and benefits could be intentionally positive or negative, some of which are unintentional. To maintain a healthy relationship, it is important to focus on engaging in intentional positive acts and avoiding intentional negative acts.

n No matter how ideal the other person seems to be, eventually it becomes obvious that they have both positive and negative qualities. Acceptance of the fact that no human can be perfect and having realistic expectations of each other might be helpful.

n Acceptance of conflicts and attempts to repair rifts are important.

n The way a couple communicates can have a very influential effect on the relationship. American psychologist John Gottman suggested that a gentle communication style that involves active, non-reactive listening can help repair the damage of a serious argument and help couples recover. He also suggested that negative communication can kill a relationship in four stages, named The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are: criticism (verbally attacking partner), a healthy alternative to which can be listening to the partner and expressing feelings rather than attacking; defensiveness (reacting negatively to criticism), a healthy alternative to which is to be prepared to apologise for own behaviour and take responsibility for it; contempt (being rude and showing disrespect), a healthy alternative to which can be thinking about the causes of one’s own behaviour. Also focusing on the positive attributes of the partner rather than keeping a score of the negative ones; stonewalling (withdrawing by cutting off physical and emotional contact), a healthy alternative to which can be letting the partner know that you need time to think and then resume conversation, which will convey that the aim is not to reject them.

n Forgiving each other’s minor transgressions and emphasising each other’s virtues can contribute to increased closeness in a relationship.

n Spending time together cannot be emphasised more. It is crucial.

n Doing favours for one another and, at times, putting our needs on hold and prioritising theirs can be helpful.

n Being respectful to each other at all times is significant. Disrespect often slips into negative habits. Treating our partner as we would like to be treated is important to strengthen the bond.

n Learn about yourself. Self-awareness can help us grow both as individuals and as partners.

n Focus on building intimacy (not only sexual but also emotional intimacy).

n Not taking the other partner’s efforts for granted and expressing gratitude is important.

n Expression of love through quality time, physical touch, etc. is significant. “What’s there to say? You already know it” isn’t always a good idea.

n Having common goals as a family and having deep, meaningful conversations about them is crucial.

The longest research on human happiness suggests that human happiness largely depends on the quality of the relationships in our lives. And our relationship with our partner can influence all major aspects of life. Hence, there is enough reason to take care of this special bond. I hope this write-up helps you build insight and assists in putting efforts into preserving and nurturing it.