Under a halo

Dr Birendra Kumar Gohain

His breath is laboured. He had difficulty in rational thinking. How he thought, death is beautiful. That death is a panacea. Why hasn’t death relieved his life’s anxiety?

‘I don’t want to die in this beautiful world, nor do I crave death. How I wish to be in the midst of humanity and be overwhelmed with the lust for life! How many times did I sing this couplet in praise of life! Does death mean the end of everything? 

Life is a multifaceted entity, filled with both fulfilled and unfulfilled aspirations.

Now I have no regrets? The sand of life is slipping through my fingers slowly but unsatisfactorily.

‘I plunged into the ocean of beauty

And how I gasped through it painfully.

I didn’t express my feelings for you 

With any measure of adequacy and plentifully.

Opportunities galore did I get.

In this dreamy life full of expectations but

Didn’t get what

I craved for it through the prism of my naive thoughts.

I spent the precious moments

Pursuing beauty in great splendour.

Moments have gone idled away

In intangible thoughts and perilous anxiety.

How I wished life were full and not half-baked

Like wandering in the wasteland.

Maybe, the night queen 

Fills up the vacuum I created

With its fragrance of life.

Life will be full and not be

an intangible web of 

complex thought.’

It is not that I did not experience death. In utter lightheadedness, once I felt life slipping by. It is such a sublime feeling of peace and happy contentment. It is as though it is the only thing that is real. But the feeling was short-lived when life came gushing in. I was ushered into life with the feel of touch of the beloved ones.

Does death put an end to everything? What about the uncanny and uncompassed dreary feelings that remain? It doesn’t put a lid on everything. It can’t take care of everything, past and present.

“I shall not leave you high and dry. “Don’t worry about your future, which I have made secure,” the wretched old husband of the woman promised. He doesn’t understand that money is not the only thing in the world to make one happy. The face of the woman was passive and inscrutable. Was she thinking about how the lecherous old man wanted to cheat her with money? Money is not important in a barren existence with no hope of creating life. “You old bastard, die and die soon. I shall be creating life anew and shall live a complete life,” the woman said out in silence. The soul of the old man observed the rhythmic sounds of movement of the woman labouring hard but gleefully with her paramour. Why couldn’t she respect the bereavement period of his death? he mused.  Life is a demanding cycle and will not stop at one’s sweet will.

Let us eulogise life and not death. Life is a continuous process of beautiful thoughts and actions.  My life was beautiful and joyous, and I am satisfied to the extent that is possible in this earthly existence. My body has been the medium of pleasure and pain.

I wrote a song in praise of living in Assam; thus:

“Roop saagorote doob moy marilu 

Kije habathuri khalu 

Gutey jonomote sachi thowa kotha 

Koboloi somoy nepalu. 

Sapoon sapoon logaa mur

Aketi jivan 

Roop saagoroteyi otit korilu 

Ketiyaanu somoye aangulir phakedi 

Sori pori shes hol 

Gomoke nepalu”.

Meaning 

“I take plunges in the ocean of beauty 

And how my life became confused!

I couldn’t express my life-felt truth

Finding no appropriate time to express!

Dream-like life I lived in 

Was spent in my pursuit of beauty and joy 

How my life was spent aimlessly 

I could hardly understand!”