The experience of grief is said to be as unique as finger prints. But we are all familiar with certain emotions, like extreme sadness in grief, as we have either seen people around us expressing it or the portrayal of grief in movies, books, and plays. Today, I would like to discuss certain unexpected feelings that may be experienced in grief. I choose to discuss it, as feelings and emotions and their expression are often judged and evaluated as right or wrong. In fact, all emotions are valid, and vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. Quoting Brene Brown as shared in her book, ‘Daring Greatly’, “Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.”
As said by David Kessler, “In grief, the only way out of the pain is through the pain”. Hence, it is helpful to know about the unexpected feelings one may experience in grief. Some of them are:
Numbness: Numbness can be a way of protecting ourselves. When it becomes too much to deal with all the feelings after a loved one has died, we disconnect from our feelings. We can’t feel all the feelings at once, especially when we are not ready. So denial or numbness is a way of protecting our minds and pacing our feelings until we are ready to face and deal with the shock.
Stuck: There is no timeline in grief, but often people judge themselves to be stuck in grief when they think that there has to be motion or progress or the need to experience different feelings than the ones the person is experiencing at that time.
Anger: Anger can overshadow the other emotions, but it can actually be one of the responses to a loss. It is often misunderstood in grief. It may not be accepted and attended to the way sadness is accepted in grief. Quoting Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler, “Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. David Kessler has also mentioned that often, underneath anger, is fear.
Relief: Relief is not felt to be suitable in grief. But relief can be common, especially when a loved one suffers a lot before death. But the sense of relief may be misunderstood. It is the feeling of calm that follows after the suffering of a loved one ends and is not about the end of the loved one’s life.
Jealousy: Jealousy in grief can come up in many different ways. However, it is difficult to accept and express this emotion as it is not aligned with our self-image. But as mentioned by David Kessler, jealousy is more about disappointment at the inequalities of life. For example, a person who has lost a friend might experience jealousy when he or she sees other people having fun or confiding in their friends. But underneath jealousy is mostly the sorrow and despondency of the unfairness of life.
Grief is rarely a straight line. The feelings in grief can be mixed, complicated, messy, and uncomfortable, and sometimes it is important to let them be the way they are. As resisting them can make them persist even harder. Again, the only way out is through them. Focusing on what pains us can help us reveal our wounds and eventually lead us to develop a roadmap to work on them.
It can indeed be difficult at times to attend to our own or a loved one’s feelings in grief. It can feel overwhelming, as we are emotionally involved in the process. Hence, it is to be kept in mind that we can always approach a trained grief therapist to assist us in the journey. Also, there is no perfect time to visit a grief therapist. It may be within days or even after years of a loss. A patient, listening presence at any point in time in the journey of grief can be helpful in feeling fully, which leads to living fully.